How to Be in Your Soft Girl & Heavy Lifting Eras Simultaneously
What does it mean to be both Soft and Strong? I’m not talking about Charmin toilet paper here. :)
There are some people who truly believe you can’t be both soft (girly, sweet, feminine) and strong (masculine, hard, tough).
I used to think it was somehow wrong of me to feel both feminine and masculine at the same time or be one or the other depending on the situation I was in. I knew I was just as strong mentally (and sometimes even physically) as the boys, but I remember feeling like I shouldn’t be because that somehow made me less “feminine.” As a girl, I was fed the idea that if I was bigger, stronger, or louder than the boys, they wouldn’t like me and I would never be loved.
I tried for years to act smaller, make myself physically smaller, eat less so I was weaker and smaller, even laugh quieter so I didn’t scare away the tiny little boys…
I remember being told that if I didn’t act the same way around every single person in my life at all times, that meant I wasn’t being genuine. And to be considered “disingenuous” was somehow one of the worst things I could ever be. I thought that meant I needed to act soft, sweet, gentle, and weak at all times in order to be “geniune”...thankfully I failed at that massively.
Learning about ADD, Autism, and other “neurospiciness” has helped me tremendously in dismantling this idea that I am supposed to act one way and one way only–be one version of myself and one version only–every moment of my life in every situation. As my friends and I like to say, “I have a touch of the spice.” As a child, the way I acted at church or around certain people to avoid being labeled “disingenuous” was actually me masking. I was playing the “good girl” to avoid being ridiculed or disciplined. I was masking as the “good girl” in attempt to attract a boy…
But hiding my masculine, strong, loud side didn’t make me softer or more feminine. On the contrary, it killed that soft girl side of me for a long time. Instead of being soft and sweet, I was annoyed and judgmental. Instead of being gentle and forgiving, I was hard and held a grudge.
I couldn’t be feminine when I was not allowed to express my more masculine side at the same time, so the men I attracted were likewise neither feminine or masculine in any healthy, well-adjusted way. They were toxically masculine–aggressive and territorial without being reliable and resilient. I couldn’t let my guard down with any of them because I was never safe to be feminine, and I couldn’t show my true strength either because it intimidated them.
So I stayed in the gray area–placating and hiding and masking–for a long, long time.
Starting CrossFit was one big step into allowing my masculine, strong side to come out. CrossFit showed me my physical strength and helped me see how mentally strong and resilient I had been all these years. CrossFit helped me lean into my strength and gave my masculine energy an outlet that was safe and healthy.
Once my masculine side had an outlet, I noticed I was more attracted to soft pastel colors and pinks than strong colors like red or black. There was a noticeable shift in even the decor I purchased for my apartment after I started CrossFit…I bought pink and cream and pastel green decor and started feeling comfortable in my little feminine bubble at home…I started feeling safe to be soft and feminine at home.
Meeting my now husband allowed me to feel safe to live fully into my soft girl era because he takes care of me in all the ways I need without aggression and possessiveness and with resiliency and kindness. He is strong and gentle, and that helps me to be soft and feminine in his presence.
It took a long time for me to lean into both versions of myself for real, but I finally feel whole in who I am because I am fully feminine and fully masculine.
I am in my Soft Girl Era. I wear baby pink and rose pink. I paint my nails pink. I carry a pink water bottle that my husband fills for me every day. I’m a passenger princess. I don’t break down boxes from my Amazon orders. I don’t carry in groceries. I don’t take the trash out. I cry…a lot–and not just when I’m on my period. I cry during movies and TV shows. I snuggle up with soft (usually pink) blankets and my husband brings me sweet treats. I’m a soft girly.
And then I go to the gym. In the gym I wear black. I cuss a lot. I cover my hands with chalk. I pick my calluses. I lift hundreds of pounds and drop them to the ground. I grunt and yell. fist bump everyone. I flex. I yell instructions and encouragement to other people. I tell grown men to squat lower, run faster, or lift heavier. In the gym, I’m the coach, and I’m the girl lifting more than her husband’s body weight for reps. I don’t use pink dumbbells. I use black plates and a barbell. Gym me–Coach Kate–is my “Heavy Lifting Era.”
I’m both at the same time. I’m a soft, girly girl, princess and a heavy lifting, muscular badass. I’m wifey and Coach. I can defer to my husband at home but then take charge and instruct a group of people to do things “my way” in the gym.
I’m soft because I can be soft at home. I’m hard because I can be hard at the gym. I’m sweet and goofy and kind always…and I’m also hard, strong, supportive and protective always.
I’m fully feminine and fully masculine…simultaneoulsy.
Do you feel like you’re stuck in the gray area of feeling guarded but not able to fully express your masculine and feminine sides? Here are my tips for building a life that feels fully you.
Focus on building a safe, stable home.
My first suggestion for building a life that feels fully you is to focus on building a safe, stable home because if you don’t have a place where you can regulate, decompress, and realign, you’ll be stuck in survival mode.
I was stuck in survival mode for years–from the time I went to college until I was out of my 20s. It wasn’t until I was nearly 32 years old that I was able to get out of survival mode and truly start feeling safe in my home, in my body, and in my life.
It wasn’t as simple as just wishing my home was a safe place…I had to take serious, definite action to make it so. For me, that looked like getting divorced, changing jobs to one that was more stable and paid enough for me to get my own apartment, blocking people, and buying decor and clothing simply because I wanted to.
Perhaps even more importantly, I focused on feeling safe in my own body. I worked on my negative self-talk. I meditated (even when it felt weird). I started doing things that made me feel physically strong and proud of my body. I stopped dieting. I started slowing down and listening to what my body was trying to tell me…it had been screaming at me all those years.
Focus on doing everything in your control to make your home, your body, and your mind a safe place for you to exist and grow.
Control only what you can control.
Which brings me to my second suggestion…Control only what you can control. Obviously you can only control what is in your power to control, but those of us who have a history of trauma or people pleasing tend to try to control things that are outside of our reach–things like how people react to us, or other peoples emotions.
When we try to control things outside of ourselves–our own reactions, our own feelings and beliefs, our own mindset–we fail. Everytime. Because it is not within our capacity to control other people.
Maybe you’re like me and learned at a young age that if you stayed quiet or didn’t ask too many questions, or shielded an adult in your life from something hard, you could stay emotionally (or even physically) safe. As an adult, for me that meant trying to control what information people learned about me. I was very careful about what information I shared with other people. I tried to “spin” every narrative about me so people would see me how I wanted them to see me.
I made myself crazy trying to also control the actions and decisions and feelings and things other people said. My attempt to control came to its peak when I was in a relationship with an addict. I thought if I just controlled our surroundings, controlled the finances, controlled what other people said to him, controlled everything around us so he wouldn’t get upset…that I could somehow get him to stop drinking. I poured out every bottle I found, I slept with my wallet clutched to my chest so he couldn’t take it to buy alcohol, I refused to let any of my family members intervene or try to talk to him about it–I even lied to my family about it for the first 2 years.
I was trying to protect him, fix him, change him…and in doing so, I lost myself so entirely. It has taken 3 years of intentional healing to get out of survival mode and become myself. Now I am focusing on growth and guarding my peace above all. I’ve learned to self-regulate and focus inward.
I love the Serenity Prayer from the AlAnon (Friends and Family of Alcoholics support group): “Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, the Courage to Change the Things I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference.”
Experiment!
My final suggestion for building a life that is fully “you”--a life in which you can lean into both your masculine and feminine energies–is to experiment. Try activities you think you may enjoy!
Do you think you may love taking a modern dance class? Try it out! Maybe it will help you express yourself in a new way.
What about kickboxing? Do you need a regular opportunity to punch the stuffing out of something to help release the pent up rage and anger you’ve had to internalize for years?
Maybe yoga will help you feel calm and soft. Maybe running long-distance will help you feel strong and capable.
What activities, sports, classes, etc., have been on your mind repeatedly? What do you see and think “that looks like fun” or “maybe I could do that”? Whatever it is, I encourage you to take steps to do it.
Experimenting is how I discovered how much I love CrossFit. I also plan to try out a cardio dance class someday soon!
Try things. You may love them, or you may not. But all of it will help you discover yourself and build a life that feels 100%, fully and truly yours.
Learn more about the importance of trying new things: Why Trying New Things is Critical to Your Confidence & Success
